I hate your sunglasses.

Stop it, stop it, STOP IT!

2010-07-08T11:27:00.000-07:00

Seriously, Etsy folks - I understand the allure of cheap sunglasses, a bedazzler and a dremel tool. I do. That's why I became an Optician. But let me tell you something - there's a reason that they make us get licenses. One of those reasons is that we need to be aware of the materials that go on one's face, and the potential reactions that may happen when skin is exposed to inferior metals. Ever seen what happens to your finger under a cheap metal ring? Yeah. Guess what Nana's cheeks are going to look like tomorrow.

Also, maybe try drilling those holes evenly. I mean, call me a snob, but yo. I HAD to learn how to do that right. That's kinda like playing basketball in your driveway and trying to get recruited to the NBA. You OBVS don't have what it takes, homie. I hope to Sweet Baby Cheeses that those lenses are impact resistant, or you're going to have to explain to Nana why there's pieces of plastic in her corneas.

Put the dremel down, and back away with your hands in the air. Slowly.

(Major shout out to Helen Killer. Without that bitch, I'd have nothing to blog about anymore.)

For a long-lost friend

2010-07-01T19:06:00.000-07:00

You know, I'm sorry. I really am.

I let you all down, and I let you down HARD. But it's ok, friends, I'm back. No more will you have to look in the mirror and think, 'What would that one lunatic on the internet say about my glasses?' I'm here, and more opinionated than ever.

However, it's not all peaches and cream. Oh, no. Life can't be that easy. No, it's become clear to me that there's something amiss in the optical fashion arena, and I place the blame squarely upon the soft, silky shoulders of American Apparel. And here is exactly why.

Look! You can see it in her face that she hates those glasses. But some moron that has no idea who Christa McAuliffe is decided that everyone should look like Dustin Hoffman in Tootsie, and now this poor girl is stuck trying to pretend that she's happy about looking like me in the 4th grade.

Stop it, younglin'. It's not cool. Dont' believe me? Watch 9 to 5. When Lily Tomlin looks hotter than Jane Fonda, you need to ask yourself why. And the answer, babycakes, are those glasses.

See what happens when you wear cheap sunglasses?

2010-04-19T08:39:00.000-07:00

You turn into ZZ Top.

This public service message has been brought to you by the letter Z and ihateyoursunglasses.com.

She's BAAA-AAAACK!!!

2010-04-15T19:01:00.000-07:00

Hello, Interwebs.

I'm sorry I fell off so hard, but I'm back and in full effect, yo!

And I would like to present, for your disappointment, this gem (from the regretsy archives):

I think she should hook up with Mr. ChainMail. Sure, these are lots of fun - until you run your Hyundai Accent into a telephone pole because you had the edges of your grandma's sitting room pillows gorilla-glued to some busted safety frames.

She didn't even put the studs on evenly. I had friends in the early '90s that would kick your motherlovin' ass for wasting studs like that!

Jesus H. Macy. I need a drink.

Sorry guys

2010-03-23T16:28:00.000-07:00

I know, I fell off harder than that penguin-hater dude. But I'll be back! And soon! Eesh!

Honorable mention: Stuff White People Like

2009-12-27T11:22:00.000-08:00

I'm not alone!

(Ed. note: I have a pair of actual, real-live VINTAGE B&L Wayfarers, ground scored at a Dave Matthews Band concert. Irony's a bitch, no?)

Check these mothers out.

GaGag me

2009-12-12T14:12:00.000-08:00

So I have to admit that pop music is not so much for me. Don't get me wrong - I like a catchy tune as much as the next person, but nine times out of ten, I just end up singing along in a Cartman voice or changing the lyrics to Slayer songs. So it's not like I'm one of those fashionista types that use words like 'ferosh' or wear ankle boots with peep-toes, you know what I mean?

Also, I think it's a little silly that everyone and their emo half-cousin is wearing glasses designed after something called blinds, but Bjork is STILL getting clowned for that oh-so-awesome swan dress. So I feel that it is time for me to truly bash the queen of horrible eyewear - Lady Gaga herself. I mean, come on.

Nothing says 'I want to put this on my face' more than MOTHERSCRATCHING RAZOR BLADES, right?

Or maybe 'my shit don't fit'...

Or even better, 'Oooh I think I'll wear these in the sun and see what it looks like when I take these off'.

Over it. Totally and completely over it. People, we NEED to stop trying to look like b-list fame seekers. It's bad enough when you see someone with a Kate Gosselin haircut and Sarah Palin glasses at the same time... but this, people... this has GOT to stop.

WANTx12

2009-12-11T05:55:00.000-08:00

Oh, god.

Gimme. Just... gimme.

F'reals... HELLO KITTY CONTACT LENSES!?!?!?!? Yesyesyesyes!! I am full-on 30 years old and will slap these beautiful babies right onto my eyeballs as fast as you can say 'rejuvenile'.

SRSLYTHO. This just made my WHOLE day!

(I know, I'm nuts. But because I went far enough as to train to be an Optician, I feel *completely* justified in wearing all that eyewear shiz most people won't. Mines! These HAVE to be MINES!!!!)

Please, no. Please, dear god, no.

2009-12-02T18:23:00.000-08:00

So today I got an email from a friend of mine... subject line read simply (and in all caps), 'GHASTLY'. I opened it to to find:

Really, people... this? No. No. Please don't make me put these on your face. Or if you do, please make them look like this.

Honorable mention: sorryimissedyourparty.com

2009-09-18T12:58:00.000-07:00

Oh, Broseph... I TOLD you about those Oakleys, didn't I?

Lame.

Back up off my chili fries, Ed Hardy

2009-09-14T18:23:00.000-07:00

Oh, fashionistas. Please, stop.

If you're gonna spend THAT MUCH money to buy something that looks like a tattoo... get a f*cking tattoo.

Remember when Von Dutch flashed in the pan? None of you would be caught DEAD wearing it now. But Christian Audigier, the guy with his name splashed RIGHT UNDERNEATH Ed Hardy's on all that crap? Well... I hate to break it to you, but it's the same guy.

Back up off my style, hoochies. Put your bangs back down. Dear god, DO NOT wear Apple Bottom jeans with a five-inch cuff. And STOP PRETENDING THAT BUYING A $300 SHIRT WITH TATTOO CRAP BEDAZZLED ON IT IS THE SAME AS GETTING A F*CKING TATTOO. I've sat through twenty-plus hours of bleeding pain so far, and my half-sleeve isn't even done yet! It's not the same as walking outside of Nordie's so you can get cell reception to beg your mom to let you put that oversized shoulderbag on her AmEx. I promise.

And no, that one-color tramp stamp doesn't count.

You're just going through a phase. Put the Ed Hardy down and go back to Banana Republic.

Please.

(And Christian Audigier... unless you have a WICKED back piece under that overpriced t-shirt with your effing name on it.... you have some 'splaining to do.)

I hate your sunglasses: sore loser edition (or, do YOU like fishsticks?)

2009-09-14T17:53:00.000-07:00

Ok.

So I've already ranted about the miniblinds sunglasses fad... please excuse me for a minute while I reiterate how lame both the sunglasses, and the guy that restarted the fad, are.

I remember thinking those things were SO cool... in 1986. Then I put a pair on.

I was 6, and I knew better.

I mean, really. They serve NO purpose. People can still see your eyes. There's no UV protection. No impact resistance. No light blocked. No glare reduction.

In other words, about as useless as Kanye himself.

I mean, really. This a-hat had to pull a microphone from a SEVENTEEN YEAR OLD GIRL'S hands... to complain that Beyonce didn't win... even though Beyonce was nominated for, and proceeded to win, a completely different award? Please. Really... look at the picture above. He reminds me of that old Chris Rock bit about Jermaine Jackson's greezy self. Plus, it looks like he covered himself in cornstarch or something. He's like the Ron Jeremy of hip-hop... somehow, he made it big, but he's still so gross and sticky-looking that one has to wonder how in the hell he even got there in the first place. Sure, I personally think that the music made by all three is pap (don't even get me STARTED on 'Put a Ring On It), but a lot of people are into that garbage, and Taylor Swift must have made some good garbage, to win that award. So why not let her win? (Not to mention... WTF, Kanye? What do you have to do with ANY of this? If I knew you, I SO wouldn't invite you to my birthday party... you'd probably push me over to blow out the candles before I got to them.)

It's obvious enough (from this ugly-glasses-polo-shirt-gee-I'm-a-dick fad) that young people are going to imitate him. So why publicly humiliate someone who worked hard to earn some recognition? I'm sure even bad press is good press... or something. But demeaning Taylor Swift on a music award show that I'm pretty sure even God tiVo'd was a little out of control. Way to be a role model.

But... big kudos to Beyonce for giving Taylor her moment in the sun.

So, to end a ramble with no other point than to say, Yo, Kanye, you a dick... Yo, Kanye. You a dick!

I hope your retinas detach.

There is no excuse.

2009-05-30T09:38:00.000-07:00

You know, I wanted to do a special blog, just for theses sunglasses. Growing up in Northern Cali in the '90's, the Oakley M Frame became synonymous with Central Valley rednecks, giant trucks with dooley tires, and crystal methamphetamines. Even the Clampers won't touch this shit. In fact, they're so ugly that a google image search for 'my oakley m frames' brought up SEVEN PAGES before I could find someone with these actually on their face.

I mean, really. I'm all for impact resistance - it's all fun and games until someone loses an eye, right? But come ON. This is out of control! If they don't make hypercolor t-shirts anymore, WHY IN THE HELL are these things still on the market?

Oakley, I'm putting the blame squarely on your easy-to-break, impossible-to-prescript shoulders. Go crawl under whatever rock Jesus Jones is hiding under, and stay there.

Please.

for tha homiezz

2009-05-08T19:44:00.001-07:00

...aaand I present to you 45 mph couch potato. Ready for a dust storm at Burning Man.

Yeeowza!

bringin' ugly back

2009-05-07T13:00:00.001-07:00

So. NOT. Justified.

I am not amused.

2009-05-06T23:56:00.000-07:00

I don't think I've been this pissed since I realized I might never get a McRibWich again.

This girl is three tanning sessions, two jager bombs and a monroe piercing away from complete douchebagette-ery. I bet her boyfriend has a popped collar and drives a Mustang. And the girl that's been cropped out wishes she was in Forks. God help us all.

I wish I had a half-drunk 40 of Old E in my hand

2009-05-06T23:47:00.000-07:00

So I could throw it at this guy.

Ironic dollar-store stunnahs do NOT make up for the fact that you didn't change out of your work shirt before you went to the bar.

Put them down, Captain Earplugs. Put them down.

special edition: installed opthalmics

2009-05-06T23:27:00.000-07:00

http://www.walyou.com/blog/2009/05/07/pierced-glasses-goth-geek/

I don't know whether to laugh or cry.

As an optical professional, I worry about the positioning of the glasses in relation to the eye.

As someone who's had enough metal in the face at one point to look like I'd fallen into a tackle box, I kinda think this is rad.

In a glasses geek kinda way.

Soundgarden hair + chain mail glasses = all bad

2009-05-06T23:05:00.000-07:00

Ok, for reals?

Chin length... chain mail... glasses? Five bucks says that this guy writes epic songs while smoking cloves and drinking tea.

to start: this.

2009-04-22T20:52:00.001-07:00